Navigating the Parenting Maze

Ever wonder if you’re doing it right? Juggling work, relationships, friendships, personal interests, and meeting your child’s needs can be demanding. It is common to feel oversaturated with the amount of things to track and care for. There are no classes required or licenses to obtain providing confidence in parenting before bringing a new life into the world. Making it even more difficult can be the bombardment of information in books, on television, and the internet with conflicting information about how to navigating raising a healthy child. Let’s break it down into some research backed steps to help simplify being a good enough parent. It all comes down to noticing simple needs that repeat throughout a child’s life… the need to feel safe, explore, and retreat. 

We all need to feel a secure base to be able to manage stress, face challenges, explore new things. Ever have a moment of feeling scared or insecure… needing to retreat to someone or something to decide for you, intervene, take charge? This is even more true for children… they need a stable base to adventure from and a safety net that will catch them if things go wrong. This begins with having consistency in basics like food and sleep, more often than not. Children are vulnerable in a big world until they develop the skills to protect themselves. They need a caregiver to feel bigger, stronger, and wiser than they are, delivered with a dash of kindness.

Children need room to explore, grow, feel challenged. When you notice your child showing interest leaving the safety of the secure base you provide for them, they are saying they need you to support their exploration and allow them to take the lead. Keep an eye from a distance as they explore and face new things. They will glance back every now and then to ensure their safety net is still there. Find ways to delight in their courage. Help them if needed, but only enough to make the challenge obtainable. Find ways to enjoy their new adventures with them. 

Uh oh… something went wrong. Maybe the challenge was a little too tough, they didn’t succeed, or fell and got hurt. They are going to need that safety net to regain a sense of security and refill their emotional cup. In these moments, they need protection and comfort, for you to take the lead. They will often need help making sense of big emotions (e.g. fear, worry, anger). Once they feel secure in your safe haven, they will regain a sense of security and confidence to go back out and explore the world again. 

Round and round the cycle goes from an infant crawling away to a young adult leaving for college. Take a moment this week to notice where your child is; are they okay and ready for adventure or not okay and needing safety. Noticing and responding to your child in these moments about thirty percent of the time will allow them to grow up secure and ready to tackle the world as adults. Struggling with one part of the cycle or the other? Reach out for professional support to learn the skills needed to feel confident in your ability to parent in an emotionally healthy way. 

Navigating Holiday Meltdowns

The upcoming holidays can be full of fun, traditions, and festivities. With that often comes changes in routine, late nights, and a little too much excitement that may lead to an increase in challenging behaviors. With a little thought and intention, you can reduce meltdowns, so they don’t hijack the holiday fun. 

First and foremost, caring for yourself is a top priority. Your child depends on their caregivers both to meet their physical needs and help managing big emotions. When a parent is depleted, spread too thin, or overwhelmed, your child’s level of stress will increase as well. When an adult’s stress increases, they have words to express it. When a child’s stress increases, they use behaviors to communicate it. 

Find ways to keep your own cup full. If you’re running on empty, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. Think back to previous holiday seasons and identify the triggers that increase stress for you and your child. Find ways to cut back responsibilities to allow more time for connection and playfulness. Practice saying no to activities and people that add unnecessary stress. Reflect and identify activities and practices that bring you peace and calm. Engage in these daily, or more as needed. 

Even with the best self-care, meltdowns are still possible. Understanding the anatomy of a tantrum can help any parent know how to respond in a way that reduces the intensity and duration, as well as, helps a child to improve their emotion regulation skills. 

  1. Before a trigger, a child will be operating at their normal level of functioning or they may be predisposed for poor emotional regulation (i.e. rough day). Parenting supports may include classic care such as: sleep routines, nutrition, reliable routines, clear and consistent expectations… overall helping your child be the best version of themselves. 
  • During the escalation phase, a child has been triggered by something. They will communicate this by increasing behaviors such as: whining, arguing, yelling, somatic symptoms (e.g. stomachaches, headaches). Help your child de-escalate by keeping yourself calm, model deep breathing, check your body language (e.g. get on your child’s level, relax your shoulders, slow your physical movements), show compassion and empathy, and notice your what your child is feeling. 
  • In the dysregulation zone, a child is being flooded with biological survival reactions. At this point, the thinking part of the brain goes offline and isn’t available for problem solving, logic, reasoning. This flight-fight-freeze response may look like, screaming, hitting, kicking, throwing, etc. Helpful parenting techniques will be to ensure the safety of your child and those around him. Keep or regain your own sense of calm, take a moment to yourself, if needed. Practice healthy emotional boundaries by avoiding trying to fix the situation, rationalizing with your child, or correcting their behavior. Be with your child without too much verbal engagement. 
  • In the calming down phase, a child will likely speak softer and move slower. Continue to allow them space for the body and emotions to settle while you provide a calm presence. 
  • A child then returns to normal and their nervous system is re-regulated. They look and act like your “normal” kid. This is the perfect time to talk to them about what happened, what they were feeling, and give examples of how you handle big emotions. 

Holidays have the potential to be filled with moments of connection. Take time to care for yourself and your family and set limits to protect the space and energy of you and your loved ones.