Boosting Resiliency in Kids

It is often said that “kids are resilient” and they can survive anything. Children may be able to survive tough situations, small or big traumas, and/or stressful events, but what if caregivers and loved ones could help them do more than just survive? Read on for tips on how to build resilient kids and why it matters. 

Resilience is the process of handling stress and recovering from trauma and adversity… the ability to gain wisdom, confidence, and fortitude from difficult situations as opposed to merely surviving them. A child who survived a traumatic medical crisis may live the rest of their life afraid to get hurt versus a child (with resiliency skills) may grow up to become a doctor helping those in similar situations. Resilience helps children become adults who have the confidence to face difficulties and tackle them building their confidence and building a better world. 

One step to building resilience is to let kids experience disappointment. If a child is rescued from feeling disappointment time and time again, they will never learn the skills or confidence to handle adversity when they face it as adults. It is important to learn that sadness, defeat, anxiety and stress won’t last forever.

Another step is to validate their distress, anxiety, fears or insecurity. Name the emotion, normalize that humans all feel those emotions at times. Sitting with your child in their emotion doesn’t require “fixing the problem”. When children are emotionally overwhelmed, they are unable to problem solve, not because of their ability but because of the flood going on in their body. Co-regulation will help the emotional flood settle so they can put their thinking hat back on again finding their own solution.

Allow children space to take (reasonable) risks and experience the natural consequences. Encourage kids to try new things, make mistakes, and learn from mistakes. Give them lots of opportunity to make age-appropriate choices. Some examples may include clothing choices or meal choices, etc. If it is frigid out, pants may not be an option but what type of pants can be. In this scenario natural consequence would be level of comfort, fitting in with peers, level of warmth related to the weather. If their choice doesn’t work out, express curiosity about what they liked or didn’t like, what part of their choice worked well or what they might want to do differently next time. Send the message that a choice that doesn’t work out isn’t bad or a failure, it is a time to be curious and learn something new.

Tell stories, watch movies, read books about others who have faced adversity and become stronger because of it. Explore ways that person might have felt along the way and lessons they may have learned because of their journey. 

Children are not naturally resilient, but their grown-ups can help them build the skills that will last them a lifetime. Meeting adversity with empathy and curiosity will help every time. Be a great role model by doing so with your own stress and helping talk kids through doing the same when they are facing a difficult situation. 

Navigating Holiday Meltdowns

The upcoming holidays can be full of fun, traditions, and festivities. With that often comes changes in routine, late nights, and a little too much excitement that may lead to an increase in challenging behaviors. With a little thought and intention, you can reduce meltdowns, so they don’t hijack the holiday fun. 

First and foremost, caring for yourself is a top priority. Your child depends on their caregivers both to meet their physical needs and help managing big emotions. When a parent is depleted, spread too thin, or overwhelmed, your child’s level of stress will increase as well. When an adult’s stress increases, they have words to express it. When a child’s stress increases, they use behaviors to communicate it. 

Find ways to keep your own cup full. If you’re running on empty, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. Think back to previous holiday seasons and identify the triggers that increase stress for you and your child. Find ways to cut back responsibilities to allow more time for connection and playfulness. Practice saying no to activities and people that add unnecessary stress. Reflect and identify activities and practices that bring you peace and calm. Engage in these daily, or more as needed. 

Even with the best self-care, meltdowns are still possible. Understanding the anatomy of a tantrum can help any parent know how to respond in a way that reduces the intensity and duration, as well as, helps a child to improve their emotion regulation skills. 

  1. Before a trigger, a child will be operating at their normal level of functioning or they may be predisposed for poor emotional regulation (i.e. rough day). Parenting supports may include classic care such as: sleep routines, nutrition, reliable routines, clear and consistent expectations… overall helping your child be the best version of themselves. 
  • During the escalation phase, a child has been triggered by something. They will communicate this by increasing behaviors such as: whining, arguing, yelling, somatic symptoms (e.g. stomachaches, headaches). Help your child de-escalate by keeping yourself calm, model deep breathing, check your body language (e.g. get on your child’s level, relax your shoulders, slow your physical movements), show compassion and empathy, and notice your what your child is feeling. 
  • In the dysregulation zone, a child is being flooded with biological survival reactions. At this point, the thinking part of the brain goes offline and isn’t available for problem solving, logic, reasoning. This flight-fight-freeze response may look like, screaming, hitting, kicking, throwing, etc. Helpful parenting techniques will be to ensure the safety of your child and those around him. Keep or regain your own sense of calm, take a moment to yourself, if needed. Practice healthy emotional boundaries by avoiding trying to fix the situation, rationalizing with your child, or correcting their behavior. Be with your child without too much verbal engagement. 
  • In the calming down phase, a child will likely speak softer and move slower. Continue to allow them space for the body and emotions to settle while you provide a calm presence. 
  • A child then returns to normal and their nervous system is re-regulated. They look and act like your “normal” kid. This is the perfect time to talk to them about what happened, what they were feeling, and give examples of how you handle big emotions. 

Holidays have the potential to be filled with moments of connection. Take time to care for yourself and your family and set limits to protect the space and energy of you and your loved ones. 

Helping Children with Pandemic Grief

The world has changed. Everyday life looks drastically different than it did one year ago. Many of us are feeling the effects of living in a world that feels isolated, stressful, and uncertain. We are grieving so many losses; the loss of normalcy; the loss of connection; the fear of economic toll; the loss of certainty. As adults, we often have a lifetime of experiences to remember and hold onto, to give us hope that this won’t last forever. But what about children who don’t have as many ways to cope, words to express what they are feeling, and history of experiences to fall back on. How do we recognize their loss, help them cope with their grief, and recognize when they might need help?

Grief and loss in children can show up in a variety of ways. It is rare that they come and tell a parent that they are feeling sad. Here are some other ways children express their feelings of loss:

  • Irritability and anger: “this stupid remote doesn’t work”
  • Tired: “I don’t want to ride my bike, I’m too tired”  
  • Numbing out: “just one more show”
  • Boredom: “I’m bored, there’s never anything to do” 
  • Resistant to change: refusing to try new foods, difficulty adjusting back to school
  • Displaced frustration: “who bought fruit loops, I only eat cereal that is yellow” 
  • Need to be in control: “I’m not eating that; I’ll only eat tacos for dinner” 

Oh no! My child is feeling more loss than I realized… now what? The good news is, grief, when processed in a healthy way, can help your child life a fuller and happier life. Helping children feel supported and build the skills needed to tolerate and make sense out of painful feelings can help them feel a deeper connection, internally stronger, and boost their sense of who they are in the world. Here’s how to help:

  • Help them label their emotion: “Wow, I can see your really frustrated!”
  • Allow them room to express their emotion… all emotions as long as they are staying safe; sometimes words are too hard so use art, music, play, etc. 
  • Listen more, talk less: it is not the time to fix it or problem solve, they just need a safe space to process what is happening 
  • Validate your child’s experience without focusing too much on positivity: “It hurts a lot when you can’t see your friends” 
  • Sometimes focusing too much on the positive can make a child feel more alone in their painful emotions 
  • Maintain normal routines as much as possible
  • Spend time helping your child make a story about what is happening: create a book, draw, tell it as a bedtime story… over and over until their story finds resolution 

Difficult times, when experienced with support of a loved one, can lead to tremendous growth and healing. What we all need most in difficult times is to feel seen, heard, and understood. If you are feeling stuck in how to help you or your child process the loss, reach out for help. Find a friend, loved one, or professional who can listen and provide support.